If toddlers could type…

This post is inspired by a ‘classic’ thread on mumsnet If my three year old was on mumsnet

So went to check out the fruit bowl this morning and found that ALL the pears had bites out of them. Does mummy think I am a crazy fool? I will NOT accept half eaten fruit, even if it was me who bited into them. I asked politely for a banana instead by shouting ‘nana’ over and over again. mummy opened a banana and it broked in half – I do NOT eat broked bananas so demanded a new one naturally. Quite rightly mummy gave me the new banana to open myself which was great cos then I could peel off the skins and throw them on the floor for her to find later. I think she likes this cos sometimes I hear her saying ‘oh brilliant, just brilliant, more crap on the floor’.

During breakfast I spotted that she had moved my special blankie from the floor to a chair where I couldn’t see it! Can you imagine? I shouted ‘where’s my blankie?’ repeatedly until she moved it to another chair and I grabbed it to try and pull it on to the table where I could keep a better eye on it. This was quite tricky (it’s a really big blankie) and I whimpered ‘I can’t do it’ a LOT to show just how cross I was! I am sure I saw mummy rolling her eyes but she didn’t help.

After breakfast mummy insisted I get dressed. Has she learned nothing from every other morning of my life? I don’t want to get dressed. I want to hide under the bed. I want to lick my snotty upper lip and say ‘mmmm tasty’. I want to press the ‘demo song’ button on my toy piano 40 times in a row but I do NOT want to get dressed. And don’t get me started on clean nappies….

Eventually I allowed the top, it was quite stretchy and didn’t annoy me too much. The jeans, well! mummy said they were new…I don’t want NEW! I want the old ones that granny bought for me. I don’t care that daddy looked totally confused when they arrived and that granny said they were ‘unisex’ and that mummy could just colour over the pretty pink flowers in black marker pen. I happen to like them. I humour mummy by allowing the new jeans on but take them off as SOON as she leaves the room. That’ll learn her.

Just before we left mummy gave me a choice of jumpers to wear. Firstly just cos I like tractors does NOT mean that I want to wear a jumper with a tractor on, duh. The rabbit one is for babies so obvs off the cards. The last one is fine but I decide to throw all of them on the floor anyway and shout until I am nearly sick. She puts the jumper into her handbag.

When mummy gives me choices, daddy tells mummy not to panda to me but he is seriously rubbish at him animals cos mummy is nothing like a panda….even I can tell that and I’m two.

This nonsensical rambling was fuelled entirely by sudafed, covonia, sterimar and a rather dubious homemade strawberry, blackcurrant, echinacea and kale smoothie.

Today’s earworm: Bjork – Human Behaviour

Last night’s different dinner score: 3


9 Comments Add yours

  1. You have totes got into the role of your toddler! very funny, I had several chuckles throughout. loved the Panda comment! #stayclassymama

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’ve had proper hot splashy tears today because he wanted shoes NOT sandals…..give me strength!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. autumnhm says:

    Oh the life of a toddler! My daughter had a meltdown the other day because a piece of her granola bar fell on the floor. Therefore it could not be eaten and a new granola bar had to be given to her immediately. #StayClassyMama

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’ve just had a small, eyes rolling in his head, insist that he’s NOT tired. Shouting, real tears, the works….10 mins later, snoring from behind the door!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. alisonlonghurst says:

    “Don’t get me started on nappies’! Hilarious. You’ve got the tone exactly right – loved it 🙂 Alison x #StayClassyMama

    Liked by 1 person

    1. He’s a mini dictator, he knows everything and won’t accept our opinion on anything!


  4. Ahaha oh my god this is brilliant! I’m not at the toddler stage yet but my 8 month old has already started crying over ridiculous things, I dread to think what will come. Love the blankie bit, so funny. #stayclassymama

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Just looked in – boy and giant blankie


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