The Twitter account @SoVeryBritish recently posted some of the most awkward British problems that apparently all Brits experience.
It’s like they have been following me. I’m a bit upset now that I’m so bloody normal and everyone else is a freak like me. These are some of my favourites…
- Staring at your phone in silent horror until the unknown number stops ringing
- The relief when someone doesn’t answer their phone within three rings and you can hang up
- Mishearing somebody’s name on the second time of asking, meaning you must now avoid them forever
- Leaving it too late to correct someone, meaning you must live with your new name forever. (Mine was Rachel for quite a while. It’s a nice name, it’s just not my name)
- Changing from ‘kind regards’ to just ‘regards’, to indicate that you’re rapidly reaching the end of your tether. (Occasionally in extreme moments of total div-related fury I even go as far as, gulp, NO sign off)
- “I’m off to bed” – Translation: “I’m off to stare at my phone in another part of the house”
- The overwhelming sorrow of finding a cup of tea you forgot about
- Saying hello to a friend in the supermarket, then creeping around like a burglar to avoid seeing them again
- Being unable to pay for something with the exact change without saying “I think that’s right”
- Overtaking someone on foot and having to keep up the uncomfortably fast pace until safely over the horizon
- Deeming it necessary to do a little jog over zebra crossings, while throwing in an apologetic mini wave
- Loudly tapping your fingers at the cashpoint, to assure the queue that you’ve asked for money and the wait is out of your hands
- Looking away so violently as someone nearby enters their PIN that you accidentally dislocate your neck. (oh yes, Queen of the neck dislocation here)
- The huge sense of relief after your perfectly valid train ticket is accepted by the inspector
- Worrying you’ve accidentally packed 3 kilos of cocaine and a dead goat as you stroll through “Nothing to declare”
- Not hearing someone for the third time, so just laughing and hoping for the best
- Saying “anywhere here’s fine” when the taxi’s directly outside your front door
I could also add…
- Always feeling obliged to say “it’s not wee” when I shake hands with someone and they know I’ve just been to the loo. (It’s water obv but I felt the need to tell you…)
- After publicly saying to one of the kids any variation on “you’re such a naughty pudding”, “stop that you monkey” or “I could just squidge you”, feel the need to attract the attention of the nearest adult and say with a manic grin “I didn’t mean you” even if they were not even remotely listening.
- Would rather wee in a field than ask to go to the loo while in a relative stranger’s house (in my professional life this happens a LOT).
- Will gag down a cup of strong bitter coffee without sugar after saying ‘and 1 sugar please’ twice and getting nowhere. Again more in professional life, in personal life I’d probably be up rooting around the cupboards.
- Took about 5 years to stop feeling embarrassed about using a Tesco 10p bag in M&S.
- Wear matching socks at all times in case you go to someone’s house and they make you take off your shoes.
- Starting to wee then stopping immediately in complete panic when the realisation dawns that there is someone you don’t know very well in the room just below/beside you. The rest of the wee must then be dribbled out in complete silence. The flush must be delayed until after much cupboard opening / closing / nose blowing and perhaps even postponed until the person has left the vicinity.
- Waving gigantically and frantically with an evil and slightly manic fixed grin at drivers who fail to wave thanks when you have waited for them to pass.
- Waving at every single driver in massive queue who have had to wait behind the driver that pulled over for you, in case they think you aren’t grateful for their individual kindness.
- Waving at entirely unknown person by accident then staring into the middle distance while pretending to wave at non existent person behind the original person.
- And my personal favourite….any time you happen to go over on your ankle with even a small audience and want to avoid looking like a d*ck, it is mandatory to wince in extreme (fake) pain, then stop, rotate ankle several times, wincing frequently, then test your foot while looking like you are holding back a scream. Then and only then can you resume your walk but this time hobbling, very slowly until you are out of view. I have found that this prevents all sniggers at your daftness. If only they knew…
Today’s Earworm: David Bowie – Changes
Last night’s different dinner score: 1