The M Word

We were watching The Walking Dead last night and in the episode Maggie, who is in the early stages of pregnancy, looks panic stricken and then cries out loud clutching her stomach as she falls to the floor.

To those unfamiliar with the subject matter this might seem like dramatic overkill but it actually nearly made me cry. They say you can’t remember the pain and yes, perhaps that’s true.

But I do remember waking up every night frozen in the foetal position drenched in sweat and waiting for 5 minutes to sum up the energy to get to the bathroom.

I remember sitting in the passenger seat of the car and desperately trying to pull my clothing away from my abdomen as I couldn’t bear anything touching me.

I remember being completely unable to speak as my husband asked what was wrong.

I remember the three doctors I saw, insisting that some pain in the first trimester was completely normal.

I remember the relief when someone finally agreed to send me to the early pregnancy unit for a scan and the upset when the scan was inconclusive.

I remember the incessant googling of ‘hCG blood levels’.

I remember the final trip to the EPU and I remember the decision to let ‘it’ happen naturally at home rather than have a ERPC in hospital.

I remember calling home to tell my mum and getting my dad instead.

I remember the silence that followed when I told him my news and the quiet sobs afterwards.

I remember my family birthday dinner and leaving the table half way through the meal to find out that the bleeding had started.

I remember waiting around at home with a hot water bottle.

I remember the cramps and knowing I was about to lose the baby.

I remember looking in the loo and wondering what to do.

I remember getting a pair of rubber gloves and lifting the sac out of the water.

I remember staring at it for quite a long time then flushing it away because I didn’t know what else to do.

I remember feeling incapable of going back to work after 2 weeks.

I remember the grief for the child that never was and I remembered that child again on it’s due date.

I remember.

PS: I also remember our disbelief when I fell pregnant again within a month and I remember being engulfed with happy tears when we paid for an early scan that showed our baby wiggling and healthy. We were lucky.

Today’s earworm: Carly Simon ‘Coming around again’

Last night’s different dinner score: 1!

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