School days are the best?

There was a recent thread on mumsnet started by a teenager who thought that most parents wouldn’t have a clue what goes on in school these days. Here’s what dogsnotsprogs said:

1) A boy (think this was year 10/11 so 15/16 years old) came into the classroom at lunch with a vibrator/dildo and was waving it about before he ran up to this boy (same age) and rammed the vibrator near his asshole through his school trousers. The second boy told his mum and then the first boy nearly got arrested for sexual assault. Nobody cared about the second boy and people started to dislike him, as the first boy was suspended for a week.

2) I know a lot of parents worry about porn / the Internet. I was aware of porn and sex for pleasure rather than to pro-create, at about 11? Boys had it on their phones and were sending it to each other.

3) I don’t know if you’ve seen the videos on Facebook but there are some gore/shock sites that contain images of weird fetishes, gay porn, infected vaginas and Mexican men getting beheaded with a chainsaw. We (us being my year group) saw these pictures and gross videos so much throughout year 10-12 and still today. We have become desensitised to violence, sexual violence and gore.

4) I watched my first horror film (rated 15) at 6 years old, as did most of the people at school.

5) Swearing is frequent. Now I’m in sixth form it’s also used more commonly by teachers who we call by their first names.

6) Seatbelting and peanutting someone?– Does this still happen??– Seatbelting someone is where you pull as hard as you can on their backpack and hopefully usually they will fall to the ground. I saw someone have their bag completely ripped from the handles earlier today. Peanutting someone is (if they wear a tie for uniform) pulling/tugging in their tie so the knot gets super tight and is often impossible to get off.

7) Teachers have thrown stuff (chairs etc) at students.

8) A girl in my GCSE English class got drunk in the double lesson after drinking vodka in full view of the teacher.

9) The majority of people in my year lost their virginities at around ages 13/14 and some have up to 12 partners at the age of 18.

Read the original post here:

Bloody hell. Then I read on and discovered most other posters were convinced that this was fairly typical behaviour and had been for at least the last 30 years. Blimey…I knew I was sheltered but really? Really?

I went to a grammar school in a small market town in a fairly parochial part of the UK. We wore wool blazers, white knee socks and sensible shoes (we would have preferred DMs but weren’t allowed them). This is the scandal as far as I can recall it:

One of the more racy girls wore leopard print underwear. She was rumoured to be seeing an older man. It may have been the school bus driver.

My art teacher once remarked on how attractive my (dyed) hair was in front of everyone. It was slightly creepy.

The only 2 girls in my chemistry A level class were given time off lessons to go into the assistant’s lab and decorate a pavlova that the teacher was bringing to a leaving do after school. We had never decorated a pavlova. It looked terrible. (We were also disgusted by the evident sexism but decided that whipping cream was preferable to pondering the electron configuration of atoms.)

P got told off for wearing suede shoes and he tried to get out of detention by claiming that it wasn’t his fault that his dad’s giro hadn’t come in. His dad was not unemployed. P did not get detention.

Some of the lower sixth (oh yes i went to Malory towers) , played ‘catch the very expensive and realistic looking baby doll used for childcare lessons’ and managed to break the head off. We hid the evidence and everyone in the year got told off.

One girl really wanted a tattoo. She didn’t get one.

A friend of ours climbed on the canteen roof and spray painted a made up name there. I’m not sure the staff ever noticed. It was there for at least 6 years.

If we had to sing ‘When I’m 64’ the boys would shout “go for a ride” and then laugh uproariously. As only virgins can.

If one of the girls in school looked a bit fat you immediately assumed doughnuts.  Not pregnancy.

We faked a lot of notes to get out of PE.

L’s parents ran a bakery. On pancake day she brought in an electric frying pan and a huge tub of batter and we made pancakes. We weren’t supposed to cook in the common room.

Allegedly M had sex with a Hoover. He may also have had intimate knowledge of a jam jar full of raw liver. This was never proven.

I once found a copy of ‘murder casebook’ magazine in the girls locker room. There was a special on the Acid Bath Murders. I don’t know who put it there.

My mum was once asked to go on a tour of the corridors with the headmaster to look at ‘detentionable socks’ because my sister kept getting detention. My mum refused and said that maybe he should spend less time looking at teenage girls legs.

A story went round about L having sex with a sausage. I never found out if it was cooked or raw.

Our GCSE biology book had the evolution section redacted (or crossed out, as we liked to call it). We were allowed full access to the reproduction chapter as it was purely theoretical.

We didn’t worry about missed periods. We worried that we had blood stains on the back of our skirts. We wore ‘period pants’ (giant gym knickers) over our normal pants to avoid this.

We did a lot of snogging. We played ‘pass the skittles’, ‘shoes in a bag’ and spin the bottle. Second base was rare.

We thought it was hilarious when S tried to cop a feel of my friends boobs but was thwarted by the tiny multiple buttons doing up the back of her Victorian inspired white blouse and front fastening bra. He was not so amused.

One of my friends persuaded her then boyfriend that they should both go commando to school one day.  He did. She checked. She didn’t. He still doesn’t know.

At a party in upper sixth L and G were discovered in bed together. They later got married and had 4 children.

We set up a lunchtime chess club. We did not play chess. I can’t tell my horse from my prawns. We just had somewhere other than the corridor to eat our lunch in. I still have the official chess club school photograph. It was in the local paper.

My friend started a campaign to get sex education taught in our school. She kept trying to tell my mum all about it. I was mortified.

A boy from another school photocopied my friend’s head on to a page 3 model’s body and put her phone number on the bottom with the slogan ‘call me now for a good time’. He made several copies and stuck them on lampposts near the gates. I wish we had kept one.

The highlight of the year was the scripture union’s occult awareness talk. The usual turnout was probably 10 people (I wouldn’t know…) but once a year about 80 people jammed into a classroom to see pensioners trying to play records backwards to demonstrate the evils of pop music. Once they brought in teddy bears from a fairground grabber machine that apparently had satanic symbols on their little tiny t-shirts. There was much sniggering.

I played a prostitute in our 4th year inter house drama production. I wore a costume my mum made and briefly flashed some suspenders. We were disqualified for lewd behaviour.

It was rumoured that someone got caught stealing a family pack of Durex from the local chemist. I’m not sure it was true.

At 13 I rented a 15 certificate horror film to watch at a sleepover. My mum saw it and took it away. I was secretly relieved.

At 16 I drank peach Concorde at a friend’s house. We ate so many peanuts to disguise our breath that there was no chance of getting drunk. No one’s parents noticed.

At 17 my mum faked ID for me so I could go to the local nightclub. She carefully used a razor to shave off a tiny bit of the date on my temporary cardboard passport (can you still get these?) and added a year to my age. I used it a lot.

We were not posh. Our catchment area included several large council estates.

Phillip Larkin said that sex wasn’t invented until 1963 but where I was from it definitely wasn’t invented until about 1993.

Today’s earworm: ‘Adventure of a Lifetime’ – Coldplay

Last night’s different dinner score: 1! (goulash)



5 Comments Add yours

  1. Tink's Mum says:

    Sounds a lot like my 90s school days, only our grammar was single-sex, so we didn’t even get up to half of what you did, let alone what the kids of today seem to be.

    Scandals at our school included a rumoured pregnancy (she wasn’t) and that one of the two male teachers touched a girl’s hand in a lesson. Oh, the life we lived!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I was horrified by the first part of your post but was laughing and nodding (like a donkey) at the part you wrote! So funny and I was completely with you. #stayclassymama

    Liked by 1 person

  3. ShoeboxofM says:

    First part was horrific and I hope that’s not representative!

    The second part was brilliant. The understatement is sublime.

    “One girl really wanted a tattoo. She didn’t get one.”


    Liked by 1 person

    1. No-one has ever said something I wrote was sublime…..thanks!


  4. SARAH ASLETT says:

    I love this so much! I went to a very middle class girls grammar school – we thought we were so naughty/ so cool – we had no clue whatsover! I too ‘fixed’ my passport to be a year older – to get a tattoo it was! Spent ages with the school photocopier changing the 6 to a 5 lol. Thanks for linking up – please share again #stayclassymama

    Liked by 1 person

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