Don’t mess with a mum on the school run.
I try so hard every day but I’m always late. Mainly because I insist on trying to cram another five minutes work in rather than jump in the car. I hate being late but I abhor being early.
At my daughter’s school it’s like the old (possibly racist) jokes about the Germans on holiday laying the beach towels out on the prime sun beds at dawn. Mind you apparently even the Germans hate this.
School kicks out at 3.30pm but unless you arrive at 2.45pm you’re not going to get a space within a quarter mile radius. There are mums parked up reading ’50 shades of soft porn’, others with the seats reclined having a snooze and some in their gym kit squeezing in a quick run before pick up time.
And then there’s me.
Speeding through the winding lanes of Borcetshire (*) in my 18 year old rust bucket, my driving style could be described as ‘bat out of hell’ (but within the speed limit obvs). It’s not a Chelsea Tractor, more like an actual tractor complete with cow poo and copious amounts of mud. It used to be a Honda CRV but the V fell off just to add to the charm.
I have the journey worked out exactly. I can leave at 3.18 (sometimes as late as 3.20) and get to the school gates for 3.31. Which is when they kids come out. And the parents of littlies, who get out a fraction earlier, are ALREADY LEAVING!! So there are spaces, usually in the best spot. Result!
I dash out of the car, do a ‘mum jog’ and arrive at the collection point just as they start to trickle out. Then I shout at the kids not to touch the car or they will get covered in mud. The kids then touch the car and get covered in mud. I touch the kids and get covered in mud, then I get into the car, covering the seat in mud.
Sometimes a nice mum comes over to chat which is lovely but also slightly embarrassing. You can smell my clutch a mile away and God forbid they look inside. I mean I try to clean out the car once a week. Well when I say clean it out, I gather all the mouldy food items, random tupperware and disgarded clothing and shove that into a bag and put it in the boot then promptly forgot about it and eventually buy more tupperware and much, much later wonder what the terrible smell is (coming from the boot) – it’s best described as a skip on wheels. My toddler ate a raisin yesterday that was squashed into the foot mat. I like to think this is great for his immune system.
Then we amble home, making more crumbs, smearing more banana on the windows and singing ‘Twinkle Twinkle’.
(* no I don’t actually live in Ambridge)
Today’s earworm: ‘No Scrubs’ – TLC
Last night’s different dinner score: 3 😦