I’m a Mum…Get Me Out of Here!

What is it about holidays that brings out the utter chaos in our family?

We started planning this trip about 4 months ago, booking flights and accommodation in a fairly organised way…then ‘operation getaway’ began in earnest about 6 weeks ago.

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Then about 2 weeks to go there was the usual mad panic buying of holiday essentials:

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The plan was to wake up on Monday morning all packed and ready to go. Just a few last bits to gather up but really the whole day to eat croissants, paint toenails and lounge about reading travel guides to Kefalonia.

But apparently this is real life and it doesn’t work like that.

Typically the week leading up to our escape was completely mental, I was trying to finish off lots of work, working late nights and all weekend, with no time to get organised.

The main highlights of the week were:

  • Ancient Honda gives up. Entirely. While driving at 60 mph.
  • Bubs develops strange blisters that eventually cover half his torso. Doctor perplexed.
  • Gingernut goes on a homemade water slide butt naked. Cries about sore bottom.
  • 18 giant sheets of Celotex are delivered. We spend an hour struggling to get them into the house.

On Saturday I work frantically, multi tasking in a blur of productivity. Husband decides that due to Brexit we must immediately re-mortgage.

As in today.

As in I have hours of work to do, two feral kids to looks after, a house to clean in anticipation of grandparents coming to house sit and six loads of washing to do.

And now a two hour affordability check phone appointment with a nice Scottish man called Stephen. Husband is at work so he can’t do it.

Bubs has an enforced nap while Gingernut watches the entire Toy Story trilogy.

Husband comes home to what is technically described as a bomb site and I declare that we are going out for tea unless everyone fancies out of date Lidl cottage cheese and yellowing broccoli for dinner.

Tons still to do but a cheeky glass of Pinot Grigio with my fish and chips means that all my resolve goes out the window so back at home the kids go to bed and we crack open a dodgy looking bottle of rose wine I won at the school fair (raffle ticket still attached).

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Nice raffle ticket…classy!

Sometime in the dark still hours I remember that I forgot to call the garage to check on the current state of the ancient Honda. I dream about alarm clocks and missed flights.

“Alcohol in the evening is very enjoyable. Hangovers in the morning are very unpleasant. At some point you have to choose: evenings, or mornings”. The Humans – Matt Haig

I made the wrong choice. Again.

7am comes far too early and I feel like Patsy Stone…

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My Patsy Stone impression

The morning starts at a very relaxed pace with tea in bed and the kids using our heads as trampolines.

After breakfast, I do my whirling dervish impression.

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I invent a new laundry game. The usual his/mine/girl/boy sorting frenzy becomes his/mine/girl/boy in one of 2 categories – potential holiday or definitely not holiday.

Oh it’s all getting too complicated and I’m starting to lose the will to live get mixed up.

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The laundry cot (when a basket just ain’t big enough)

Husband is sorting out the car – he pops inside and raises his eyebrows at my lack of progress.

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Shoes, shoes…where the hell are the beach shoes??? I am NOT buying more…

Grandparents are arriving at 12.30 and due to yesterday’s lovely natter with Stephen, the friendly Scottish mortgage advisor, I haven’t even changed their bed never mind hoovered, cleaned the bathroom…. aarrggh.

Husband comes in and announces he is going for a shower but not before remarking in a panic that the house is still a tip.

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The stairs are now an assault course comprised of Lego, Zoobles, Shopkins, books, beanie babies and marbles.

Granny and her partner arrive to Gingernut wearing strawberry stained vest and pants, bubs in saggy nappy and witches hat and me in my 10 year old gym gear that has seen more action in the utility room then ever did in Fitness First.

Dad is fragrant from the shower in a clean ironed shirt. We make an eclectic welcome party.

Eventually we head out for lunch as no-one seemed keen on my cottage cheese and broccoli combo. Gingernut throws her first ever strop demanding pizza and refusing anything else. She gets roast beef.

She needs the loo three times and manages to wet herself while too busy looking at the pub chickens. This morning Bubs randomly decided to potty train and is wearing dinosaur pants. He promptly wets himself too.

I need a small glass of rioja (oh go on then make it large).

glass
Thanks Richard Wiseman https://richardwiseman.wordpress.com/2014/04/15/woman-drinks-huge-glass-of-wine/

 

Monday arrives with a jolt.

We’re going to leave at 1pm so plenty of time to get organised.

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The kids are super excited and busy unpacking as fast as I can pack.

Bubs tells us that Gingernut has gone for a walk all by herself. Cue frantic screaming of her name up the lane and down the hill, which is entirely pointless as she never answers her name. Granny runs one way, dad drives the other and I pace around at home.

Finally the phone rings and it’s our neighbour half a mile away. Gingernut has come to see the ducks.

When they get home, we’re crying and shouting and hugging and expending all of our emotional energy. She is oblivious.

All that’s left to do is print off all the documents we need to bring.

Five minute job.

Unless every single sodding piece of technology conspires against you.

I’ll let a screenshot of my Internet history show you what I got up to from 12:51 to 14:37.

Capture
Techno-crisis

Finally we’re ready. There’s just the small matter of the Honda. No-one is answering the phone at the garage.

We abscond to Gatwick with a borrowed Ford Focus, 46.5 kg of suitcases and a menagerie of stuffed animals.

Do I need a holiday? Hell yeah!

Today’s earworm: ‘Space Oddity’ – David Bowie
Last night’s different dinner score: 1 (Dad made dinner!!!!! whooppee!)

Pink Pear Bear

My Random Musings

Diary of an imperfect mum
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52 Comments Add yours

  1. Oh my! This is brilliant and sounds exactly like our holiday preparations… Every time I swear I will be more organised and every time … FAIL!
    #bigpinklink

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I thought I WAS organised….but no. Epic fail!

      Like

  2. Yep. This is holidays alright. We didn’t have a proper one last year due to house renovations. What a relief that was. And even when there’s no holiday to prepare for, most days are like this anyway aren’t they? Holidays just take it up the next notch. Love it. I now want wine. #bigpinklink

    Liked by 1 person

    1. just don’t drink the raffle rose….it was really quite horrible! 😉

      Like

  3. This sounds absolutely chaotic! We have never braved a family holiday, I doubt I’d get out the door!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yep, next time maybe we should try a staycation 😂

      Liked by 1 person

  4. utterlyferal says:

    I’m loving the hubby raising the eyebrow at your lack of progress…I get that!

    Like

    1. I’ve edited the post because he might have come across as a bit useless and he’s absolutely not! We were just doing different things 😂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. utterlyferal says:

        Haha I didn’t think it sounded like that at all…. I just thought ‘yep, ver seen that raised eyebrow’ usually at something stupid I’m doing! Ha

        Liked by 1 person

  5. thatgirlcath says:

    Brilliant and all too familiar 😱

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Glad you thought it was brilliant. I thought it was close to hell 😂

      Like

  6. amommasview says:

    Nobody can blame you for that glass of Rioja… Cheers, my friend, I’m with you… but hey, let’s not go overboard, let’s just have one bottle (each of course)…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Now that is funny as shit on the sidewalk from one of your own kids. lol

      Liked by 2 people

  7. Crafti Kitty says:

    Brilliant, this sounds so much like our house! Enjoy Kefalonia we went there in May it is beautiful

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It was amazing and TBH all the stress was worth it!!

      Liked by 1 person

  8. ljdove23 says:

    This is hilarious and SO like me pre-holiday! I have so many good intentions and each year plan to improve on what went wrong the previous year, and yet here we are with just a week to go and nothing at all done in preparation!! I think I’m going to join you in the wine!! #BloggerClubUK

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I thought I was organised but no, I failed again! Oh and avoid the raffle wine…not good 😉

      Like

  9. This made me feel stressed just reading it! But seriously, yellow broccoli is practically a delicacy, no? Have a fab holiday and don’t think about the laundry cot awaiting your return! #bloggerclubuk

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Omg the laundry cot never disappears 😭

      Like

  10. marinailieva says:

    Oh,yes! Despite the chaos of preparation, a holiday is always a good idea. Enjoy it! Greece is such a beautiful country. 🙂 #BloggerClubUK

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It was lovely. And worth every bit of pre hols stress!

      Liked by 1 person

  11. Hilarious! I hope you have a fabulous holiday (if you make it of course!) and get to drink lots of lovely wine! Please report back. #BloggerClubUK

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Fab hol. Read 3 books. THREE books. In a week. And had a nap one afternoon. I am so rock and roll 😂

      Like

  12. Oh my word! That sounds like the start to every holiday of ours ever! I always vow to leave the house tidy and clean and we always leave as if we have just been ransacked! Thanks for joining us at the #bigpinklink

    Liked by 1 person

    1. And my laundry cot is still full 😞

      Like

  13. It always works out like that before a holiday. I can never tidy up before we go. Likely cuz I can never manage to be tidy any other time either! I hope you guys had a great vacation. 🙂
    #stayclassymama
    ~Jess

    Liked by 1 person

    1. My husband always insists on a full house clean before a holiday….really dull but actually lovely to get home to! I should point out that it’s usually him who does it though 🙂

      Like

  14. OMG this is hilarious! I feel utterly exhausted and in need of a holiday just reading it! And it must have taken you four years to construct this post! I hope the holiday was fabulous! It’s suuuuuch a pain in the butt trying to get organised for a weekend away with kids let alone a holiday abroad especially when your car dies and all the things go wrong. I LOVE that you drank tombola wine! That’s exactly the kind of classy drinking I do too! heheh! #StayClassyMama!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yay for tombola wine!! It was pretty nasty though…..😂

      Like

  15. Gosh you really do need a holiday. You captured the utter chaos and stress of pre holiday preparations with kids perfectly. Loved hubby’s raised eyebrow! Thank you for linking up to #ablogginggoodtime 🎉

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, that was actually what happened pre holiday…. sometimes you wonder why you bother but actually we had a fab time!

      Like

  16. Ahhh how did you keep so calm? Was it the wine? We always end up leaving the house a mess when we go away – time just runs out and that’s the least important. Well done hope you are having a great time away! #stayclassymama

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Me? Calm? I don’t think so 😂

      Like

  17. You Baby Me Mummy says:

    You definitely need a holiday after that lot! Ha ha! Fab post. Thanks for linking up to #TheList x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. A lot of pre hol stress buy it was all worth it 😃

      Like

  18. Oh the holiday…or vacation, which we call it here in the US. I have been talking to so many UK people for so long that when I say holiday to my US friends or family they ask “what fucking holiday are you talking about?”. I have to remind myself that I am still here. Anywho…. OMG holiday/vacations are so much fun and needed but SO MUCH DAMN WORK! I am popping over from #bloggerclubuk not very fashionably … but very late indeed.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. fairyqueen says:

    Brilliantly funny post, it’s funny reading it but I know the feeling of being stuck bang in the middle of all the chaos too. The wine is the very least you deserve:) x

    Mainy – myrealfairy
    #stayclassy

    Liked by 1 person

  20. blabbermama says:

    Your post made me laugh, life can be so hectic at times, and its cliche but preparing to go on holiday deserves a holiday in itself. Love the way your husband abruptly decides to re-mortgage among the hectic goings on and then can’t fulfill the appt! 🙂 Love your pictures too! No harm in a bit of Patsy! #bloggerclubuk

    Liked by 1 person

  21. fat507 says:

    I have a laundry cot too! That made my day! Great read

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I ploughed my way through the laundry cot yesterday in soaring temperatures and have now got an empty cot. Except for 37,000 odd socks….I think I should get a medal 🙂

      Like

  22. You are far more patient and determined than I am. Had I done through what you experienced, I would have made the decision to stay home and call it good! Pass the bottle of wine, thank you, it’s Mommie time!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. In the end it was worth it!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I am glad. I trust the journey home was far less stressful.

        Liked by 1 person

  23. This made me chuckle. You should write a book x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. One day, maybe!! In the meantime I’ll hone my writing skills on my anonymous blog 😉

      Like

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