A concise guide to short & curlies

1984, age 10

Smooth as a baby’s bottom

Age 11

Two pubic hairs. Decide this is worse than having nothing. Desperately hope that Blue Peter will do a feature on fashioning a merkin out of spare wool and sticky back plastic.

Age 13

Full coverage achieved.

14 – 16

No thought whatsoever given to lady garden.

Age 17

Attempt light shaping of undercarriage using Nair Bikini. Turn edges of pubic region into stringy, sticky mess. Instructions do not advise that the idea is basically to dissolve your hair off with potent chemicals.

18 – 22

Avoid hair removal and conclude that I will resort to tucking in stray hairs if on holiday. Do not go on holiday.

Age 23

Book a holiday. Decide to embrace the modern world of depliation and book a waxing appointment. Beauty practitioner seems slightly concerned when I turn white, almost start to cry and then she lifts away the wax strip to reveal multiple spots of blood. Next day my bikini line is bruised and scabby. I fly to Portugal. Two days later the ingrown hairs start to appear but luckily no-one is looking at my pubic region due to the gigantic swollen legs (see here). Spend many hours using a pin to poke out the hair follicles.

Age 24

Scars from ingrown hairs have nearly disappeared.

Age 25

Revert back to sweeping rogue short and curlies under knicker line plus annual pre-holiday pruning of lady topiary resulting in a fabulous hairfree bikini line covered in ugly red spots.

Age 33

Heavily pregnant, I ask my husband to tidy up my nether region in advance of a hospital induction. End up having emergency caesarian section. Pubes are completely shaved off with dry single blade Bic. Too traumatised post partum to notice state of bikini area.

Age 34 – 75

Relapse into complete disinterest in lower coiffure interspersed with occasional attempts at styling usually ending in disaster/scarring.

Age 76

Go bald. Finally fashion a merkin out of plughole remnants and double sided sellotape.

Age 77

Launch own range of merkins including the ‘Gaga’, the ‘Trump’ and the ‘Lint’.


2016, age 10

Smooth as a baby’s bottom

Age 11

Two pubic hairs. For about 10 mins. Before they are plucked out.

12 – end

Keep on top of pubic hair growth on a daily, sometimes hourly basis. Waste many hours analysing groin region for signs of regrowth. Remain peachy skinned until the day you depart this mortal coil.

Serious thigh gap and NO hairs…

In related news….here’s My Life In Pants


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